Conflict is a normal and natural part of life. As young children learn to express their wants and needs, conflict with parents, siblings, friends and others often results. Young children can learn positive things from these conflicts-how to deal with other people, how feelings affect behavior and how to be assertive. The aim of creative conflict resolution is to handle these conflicts in ways that will meet the needs of everyone involved. The more young children see and experience this kind of conflict resolution, the more likely they will be able to able to handle their own conflicts positively and nonviolently.

There are many ways to handle conflict. Negotiation is talking things out and solving problems. Being directive is the opposite of negotiating, it's saying, "This is how it's going to be." Compromise is when both parties give something up to reach an agreement. Avoidance is not dealing with the conflict at all. Mediation involves a neutral third party to help you negotiate a solution. All can be appropriate depending on the situation.

The example you set shows your child that conflict need not escalate into violence and aggression. This is particularly important for young children who are developing their understanding of how the world works based on what they see around them. How you handle conflicts can help your child learn critical skills like problem solving and negotiation.

Conflict Resolution with Your Children

Young children have difficulty understanding how their actions affect others. Re-enact a conflict using puppets or stuffed animals as the disputants. You can use these toys to help you child name the feelings in the conflict, identify the sequence of events and develop new solutions to the problem.

Acknowledge your child's feelings. Children can't always get what they want when they are in conflicts, but they can have their feelings recognized. Saying, "You sound pretty angry," or I can see you're upset about this," lets children know that their feelings are important-whatever the outcome of the conflict. It also helps them learn to name their feelings.

Avoid making personal attacks ("You're such a slowpoke") or global statements ("You never get ready on time"). Such statements will make the conflict worse and increase the strain between you and your child. Instead, give your own perspective by starting you statements with "I," such as "I'm frustrated when you aren't ready on time because it makes us late."

Young children are often confused by too many choices. When you have a conflict with your child, present two or three options that are acceptable to both of you. Then, with your child, choose the one that seems to be best.

Using conflict resolution does not mean you give up your authority. Young children need limits set.

Be aware of how you usually respond to conflict. Do you avoid it? Fly off the handle? Take charge? Negotiate? If you find yourself relying on the same methods for handling conflict, try to expand your range of peacemaking skills.

Know your "anger triggers," the word, behaviors, attitudes that set you off. Knowing your anger triggers can help you manage your feelings during conflicts. Children need to see that people can be angry without being abusive or out of control.

Aim for win-win solutions in which both you and your child have gotten close to what you really wanted. With young children, it's helpful to call these "thumbs up" solutions. These are when both of you can give the solution a thumbs up sign.

Conflict Resolution as a Family

Set up a way to deal with conflicts that affect the whole family. Have family meetings to discuss problems and come up with mutually agreed upon solutions. Some families have a "conflict jar"- conflicts or problems are written down and placed in the jar for a family meeting.

Let your children know your family's values about conflict. Say: "In this family, we talk things out instead of fighting." Make it clear that violence is not acceptable.

Read stories to you children that show characters resolving conflicts in constructive, nonviolent ways. Read aloud sessions can be a wonderful way to build family closeness and also teach conflict resolution.

Limit the amount of television and video your child watches, especially violent television. Such shows teach violence as an acceptable way to resolve conflicts.

Children are often attracted to play that uses pretend violence, toy soldiers and weapons. This is a normal part of growing up. Instead of banning this type of play, suggest alternatives to engage your child in constructive, nonviolent play. When your child does imitate violent TV figures, help them develop nonviolent options for the characters.

If you child has seen or experienced violence, it's important to talk to them about it. Young children will often assume that violence they see in the world, both on television and in person, can happen to them. Listen and reflect the feelings he or she has: "That must have been scary." It's important to assure your child that the adults in their life are working hard to keep children safe.

Conflict Resolution at School and in the Community

Don't feel you have to intervene in every conflict your child has. Children learn to be independent problem solvers by resolving their own conflicts. Let them know you're available to help. If they want to, talk it over once they conflict is finished to see how they feel about the resolution. Try to help them learn from the conflict.

When your child has a conflict with a friend, resist the temptation to tell them how to solve it. Guide them in solving it themselves. For example, instead of telling children how to share toys, ask how they could share them so it feels fair.

Encourage your children's school to implement conflict resolution programs in which all students learn nonviolent conflict resolution skills.