Conflict is a normal and natural part of family life. Young people learn a great deal conflict-sometimes the lessons are positive, sometimes negative.

As young people learn to be more independent, conflict results. The aim of creative conflict resolution is to handle these conflicts in a way that will meet the needs of the people involved. There are many ways to handle conflict, and most of them have potential uses and limitations. Negotiation is talking things out and solving problems. Being directive is the opposite of negotiating, it's saying, "This is how it's going to be." Compromise is when both parties give something up to reach an agreement. Avoidance is not dealing with the conflict at all. Mediation involves a neutral third party to help you negotiate a solution. All can be appropriate depending on the situation.

The example you set shows your teenager that conflict need not escalate into violence and aggression. It can be an opportunity for growth and for your teenager to learn critical skills like problem solving and negotiation. It doesn't have to destroy relationships-it can actually improve them.

Conflict Resolution with Your Teenager

Using conflict resolution does not mean you give up your authority. Young people still need limits set. You can always say: "This is not negotiable."

Be aware of how you usually respond to conflict. Do you avoid it? Fly off the handle? Take charge? Negotiate? If you find yourself relying on the same methods for handling conflict, try to expand your range of peacemaking skills.

Know your "anger triggers": the words, behaviors, or attitudes that set you off. Knowing your anger triggers can help you manage your feelings during conflicts. Young people need to see that people can be angry without being abusive or out of control.

Get the Listening Habit. Try saying, "I'll listen to you, if you'll listen to me." Then listen to your child without interrupting. Paraphrase what they say to be sure you've got it right. When it's your turn, give your point of view. If your child interrupts give the gentle reminder: "We agreed to listen to each other."

Acknowledge your child's feelings. Young people can't always get what they want when they are in conflicts, but they can have their feelings recognized. Let your child know that his or her feelings are important, whatever the outcome of the conflict.

Learn the difference "Demands" and "ReallyNeeds." Demands are what people in conflict say that they want. ("I want to go to this party") ReallyNeeds are the need underneath the Demand ("I want to feel like part of the group"). Think about what your ReallyNeeds are and help your child identify his or hers. There are often many ways to meet ReallyNeeds.

Avoid making personal attacks ("You're so slow") or global statements ("You never get ready on time"). Such statements will make the conflict worse. Instead, give your own perspective by starting your statements with "I," such as "I'm frustrated when you aren't ready on time because it makes us late."

Look at the conflict as a problem to be solved instead of a contest to be won. Involve young people in the solution. Say: "Here's the problem as I see it. How do you see it? What are we going to do about it?"

Conflict Resolution as a Family

Set up a way to deal with conflicts that affect the whole family. You might have family meetings to discuss problems and come up with mutually agreed upon solutions. Some families have a "conflict jar"-conflicts or family problems are written down and placed in the jar for a family meeting.

Let your children know your family's values about conflict. Say: "In this family, we don't hit when we're angry," or "We talk things out instead of fighting." Make it clear that violence is not acceptable in or out of the home.

Make common courtesy a family value. Good manners are a mark of respect and can help to ease tensions in conflicts both at home and in the community.

Don't feel you have to intervene in every conflict. Young people learn to be independent problem solvers by resolving their own conflicts. Let them know you're available to help. If they want to, talk it over once the conflict is finished to see how they feel about the resolution. Try to help them learn form the conflict.

As you handle conflicts both in and out of the home, show your teenager that it is possible to be strong and assertive without being aggressive and hurtful.

Conflict Resolution at School and in the Community

Help your children learn to be "positive bystanders" when they see conflicts at school or in the community. Positive bystanders don't egg others on to fight, they promote peaceful resolutions.

Encourage your children's school to implement conflict resolution programs in which all students learn nonviolent conflict resolution skills.

Point out examples of constructive, nonviolent conflict resolution in the community. Young people need to see that conflict resolution works out in the world beyond the family.